how ive been lately

Published: 2024-09-25

Images (I’m working on a better way to display these):

The view from the swing one and two

In the last year, whenever I’ve been ridiculously stressed, I’ve been finding myself going to the park at like 10pm and playing on the swing. I really like the swing, especially at night time. Today is one of those wet days after rain, and it’s the very tip of fall, and the wind feels really nice on my face. It’s cloudy, and the sky is lit up with light pollution. It helps me to feel more grounded, and it’s nice to finally get out of my house for once. I don’t go hang out outside very often. I throw on an album that I like, and I break down crying.

I feel like shit lately. Stuff with my family is going poorly on several fronts, I’m stressed financially, and I’m worried about my job security. I’m trying to learn how to take care of myself, and it’s hard to. Doubly so once you’re already an adult and you grew up thinking you’d never need those skills. In an effort to combat the struggle, I throw myself at anything that seems interesting enough to drag me out of this rut, which is how you ended up here.

It feels like I’ve stalled out. I’ve been on hrt for 9 months, and I can tell I’m making progress, but it doesn’t feel like it. The only metric I have to prove that I am doing The Right Stuff is my blood levels, and they’re still nowhere near close. My boobs hurt, but they’re not there. My body hair is starting to thin out, but it’s not done, and it’s hard to know when it will be. Everything is totally at the whims of fate. On the swing, I feel my hair hitting me in the face. I wish there was more, and I sigh at myself for the thought. At least it’s getting closer.